dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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