How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
