New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
