allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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