oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
