I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
