I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
