god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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