Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize