Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
