While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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