i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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