Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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