Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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