My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
