I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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