The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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