You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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