I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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