I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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