my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
