i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
