Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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