I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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