I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
