I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
