This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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