Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
