i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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