Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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