peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
