I can text with my tongue
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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