I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
