No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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