it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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