Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
