made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
