are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
