I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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