he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
