I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They have beer where we have blood.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
