Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
