Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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