i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize