mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
