i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize