I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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