Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
