Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
