Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she pinky promised me she was 18
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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