so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
