My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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