I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
