yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
