Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So squirting runs in the family.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
