A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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