shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
