What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
