Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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