Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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