Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
