And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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