I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
